I shall start by congratulating my GF for winning the hall pageant queen! Truly happy for her, she must be on cloud nine now, enjoying all the appraisal and attention showered on her :)
Just booked out yesterday afternoon, took a run and settle some NS stuffs. Now finally got the chance to sit in front of my computer.
NS has been fine except my alone time (showering, sleeping, etc) I've been thinking her all the time. Becuase things got worst during the past month when i was inside. Initially i thought that things would improve after i voiced out that i don't like the way she behave with new guys she met and stuffs. How wrong was i.
First 3 nights was great, until i saw more and more pictures.
Pictures so close that I've never seen any normal friends would take.
Pictures so close that she wouldn't even take with me and upload them.
Pictures so close that anyone who saw that would easily be convinced that they are not just 'friends'.
Pictures so close that all my friends who added her noticed.
Pictures that destroyed my pride, my status.
And then she said to me 'you don't understand anything', not like i didn't gave her a chance to explain herself, by all means, i'm open to all explanations to convince me that there's nothing. Guess what, she just chose to kept silence. So.. what am i supposed to do? stfu after seeing such inappropriate photos? That's not me, i don't share gf.
I know her well, i know how and what she'll do in different situations. Now i've only seen some of the pictures. which she deemed as 'ok' to upload. lol i bet if she were to come completely clean with me, i would know much more things. things which i should not know. Not to mention she is that sort of girl who gets easily all hyped up when new people praise her, pleases her an stuffs. She gets herself physically attached to them and gets excited to meet these guys easily. and well, guys are not simple creatures either, so what's gonna happen next when it hit this stage? History gonna happen. It has happened once. and i went through hell.
I'm very tired with this relationship already. I can see she is not, because she is not even placing me in her mind. Her life is carefree, responsible-free. What she need is no attachment, no commitment, just wild fun without boundaries. What i need, is someone who is responsible for her own action, someone who know when to draw a line when making 'friends', someone who keep her bf in mind. someone who won't fucking forgot their bf for days or even weeks if i didn't contact her. someone who is committed. I'm looking for long committed and promising relationships. She's craving for wild, fun, thrilling and new excitements which only new guys would be able to provide.
We're definitely not for each other, i knew that since last year. I was surprised we managed to last so long.. i must say she did change and matured a bit before she meet all the new guys. But that is not enough. So this is it i guess.. we haven't really meet for a month now, and in a few hours, i'll be leaving again this time for another 2 weeks. I already told her my book out day, well apparently she forgotten this JH guy yet again. Fuck it.
Each time i surface the question whether we should break up or not, and told her all my points made. she just keep 'i don't know, don't wanna think about it now.' and then the next day she continue her happy life with the new peoples. This have been kept hanging for long enough. Now i think i'll just silently, slowly fade off. It'll definitely be harder on my side. like me mum has said from the start. i guess she was right.
'joon houng confirm will go through a hard time if this relationship doesn't work'
'you're those kind who put in a lot more effort and more serious'
i joking replied her that she was wrong back then when she commented. But i knew she was right, i just didn't want to appear weak. Fuck. i really don't know how am i supposed to survive my field camp with the mood i'm having right now. What a bad time for all these shits.
I must learn to put things down.
