Reflecting on why the fak am I feeling down past few months. Think I finally get it.
I always thought I'm just friendless, but that's not true, I do have friends, more than I have wishes for, more than I had in the past. But what's keeping me from feeling blessed/full? What's making me feel so lonely then? Over the past few years I had periods of loneliness and periods of 'fullness' (yeah that's what I call it). Thinking back, the number friends remained the same, or increased, so why that fluctuating mood?
The lack of that one
No not girlfriend or best friend, but just, anyone who'd give me all and would let me give all to him/her (hell ya, guy included). Not just a friend who'd give me lots of attention, I need all his/her attention, time, emotions all that shit. Yeah I must be the priority. I can't help but feel fucking affected when I realise that I'm getting the divided attention. Idk why, it's so weird. Like the moment I realise I'm not his/her first, I get insecure, say weird stuff, and start to back away, and eventually another close friendship gone. I know that if I had continue that friendship, we'd still be close friends or even better. But I just can't stand the moment.
That's comes another problem. Sometimes when she does give me all, she ends up, well developing feelings. And there goes another friendship. Well I mean if I do like her back then that's the best case scenario uh, but sadly that never happened... The person I like doesn't reciprocate, and the person whom I wish to have that connection that I longed for ends up developing more than that connection. Hmmm Fml.
Back to square one, emo phase, thinking I have no friends again, when in fact, Im the one who do things that are detrimental to the friendship just cuz I'm not their #1.
This is how my process goes.. Found someone who I can clique, get to know deep about the person, become best friend (one sided), realised I'm not actually his/her best friend, back away. Solitary period.
Find another person, repeat process, she ends up developing feelings, back away.
Lonely period again.
Find another person, repeat, ends up liking her, mission failed, back away.
Emo period.
I guess this cycle will only end when i find one that I can clique well and who'd promote me to his/her #1 (is that what ppl call BFF? Hell I don't even believe in such things lol), or one that I like who actually like me back (hmmm I thought I had it 5years ago lul, I'm still salty).
I miss having this person who'd let me find her at her place every night and talk to the wee hours just sitting on the bench, but we have parted ways due to way of life
I miss this person who sacrificed so much, but didn't end well cuz we misled her.
I miss this person who'd spend nights talking about life over a beer and chess with me, but he had grown out of that phase.
I miss this person who'd study with me every night constantly keeping me motivated and making my days exciting, but things got ugly cuz I was fickle minded.
I miss this person who gave me undivided attention, planning my first ever birthday, never failed to make me smile, always putting our relationship as priority, but we got too close and fell apart.
I miss this person who'd text me every single day and hour, always having things to talk about, but one wrong move mutually under alcohol and it went straight out the window.
None can however compared to her, who hurt me the most but strangely still made me miss her the most. She was everything.
