kinda down today. for some reasons, i had alot flashbacks last night..
some family things again over my grandma.. again.
cause of all shitty trouble.. seriously i know it is morally wrong to say that.
but i hate her.. not because of me.. but because of my mum...
i really hate to see my mum suffering over her...

couldn't sleep the whole night. last time i see the clock 4am. next thing i know, alarm went off at 5am. l0ls i guess maybe is because my friend was kinda down the day before, which get me to think back my life..
hmmm i was a freaking cold and emo teen who didnt had any reason to live just 2years back. what made me that way.. what changed me.. what gave me the confidence to continue.. thats how i went down my memory lane.
its kinda cool.. so whole 4hours, i've been lying on the bed. doing a review on my life, marking significant changing point of my life.
well im only 18. but there had been alot changes man..
hais feel like telling someone. but they would just get bored and think.
aww its just another teen telling their boring life.
l0ls i believe everyone had their hard times..
well so i guess just keep to myself again.

well anyway,
finished 3 bonding sessions, left 1 more to go...
so far so good.. just some small problems here and there like any programmes will have.
today programme went well. but mood didnt go as expected.
i thought my emotions was under control, but still kinda gloomy today.

1st session. everything was messy. student helpers bloody late.
8.30 am report. at 8.50 only 2 out of 13 turned up.
comeon seriously. if you cant commit. still volunteer for fuck?
zzz time cramped alot. doesnt went according to time table at all.
used too much time.
but still.. everything went well.

2nd session. learnt from experience. removed and arrange something to the timetable.
everything went well. it feels great man. its like finally..
partly is bacause those bonding helpers were on time too. hais dun blame me for saying.. but honestly.. i think those from DBS, DBT, DCHE are more responsible and commited.. serve them right to get into good course..
but one thing i hate who didnt say out.. is the fact that my friends..
other comittee members. well, except 1 or 2. one actually, are behaving like small little pampered kids.
complaining how tired they are. how hungry how pitiful they are.
ask them to help out clear things. gotta ask twice or even thrice..
in the end i told my self..
*literally translate* beg other why not beg yourself..
so as usual.. settled most of the stuffs myself..
with the help of a capable teammate.
its a 'her' somemore.. i really like her. well not in the way of 'love' those like.
but that i think shes a nice girl. even though born with a silver spoon, she is not those pampared teen. she s independent and enthu abt life.
i like her that way. its kinda rare to find girls like this these days.
whao.. realised i praised her too much.
well so 2nd session went kinda well.

3rd session. which is just an hour ago.
hais it is so far the best one. best organised. l0ls i guess practice makes perfect.
but then my mood was the worst at this session.
tracing the root.. it may be due to ytd night lack of sleep.
flashback thoughts of 95% negative things.
morning came so bloody early at 6++, then 1 of my friend came at 7.15.. bloody hell. just came in and lie on the chair.. and when he feels the time is right when most people would be coming soon. then he woke up and start to act helping.
seriously whether he is really innocent or a actor, i dun like that.
then next friend came. even though he is later and did lesser things, i like him for his truthfulmess and poliet.
he appears playful. but deep down i can see.
he is respectful and know when to be serious.
so he came in, greeted us and asked for things to do. good attitude.. but i kinda ignoreed him cuz was kinda down. hais thats a thing i need to improve on..
emotion regulation! (well i already improved dramastically in last 2 years)

then finally everyone came. pretty good.. "kinda" on time. not exactly on time. but atleast better than 1st session. some more its so early. well 3rd session i think is the best.
oh yeh back to what have caused my mood today.
one thing during the bonding session
which gave me a 'slap in the face'
my heart really sunk so deep all of a sudden.. tried to cover it but my friend could see..
that sux.. well the last straw is that a freshman, a girl fell down.
okay there are obvious scratches on her shin(lower leg)
okay guess what, they are just some freaking scratches..
okay nvm so i just act one concern la. as a form of formality. cuz
i THOUGHT she got injured during game. then i must atleast cover the responsibility ma.
then next, miss jessy was informed.. then this is the part.
what she said to me. totally smacked me in the face.
she said it in serious tone and annoyed one..
'joon houng. what do you think you are doing? if they are playing so violent, you should have stopped them! you should be responsible for this. if this happens again i will have to stop this game. this is too rough. you should have told the game masters to take note of it' blah blah blah.. more things which insulted my ability.
okay this is what i wanted to say but kept it in my heart:

- i didnt know what caused her fall. so i should not talk back.
- im incharge of the overall programme. fair if i take responsible
- you call that pathetic scratch injury? i got punched in the face so hard my bone broke, and whole nose got swollen from bursted veins, and i kept completely quiet for an hour until i had difficulty breathing.. i was 12.
fell while having training, on some hard stones with glass shards(yes they are having constructon above and didnt had a boundary). they stab into the side of my stomach 1cm in i can see a thick sheet of white flesh. didnt speak a word until my coach realise my face turned white.
3 pathetic scratches? someon! how pampered are singapore kids? well i guess its alright since shes a girl.. nvm
- next. i didnt toldthos game master to becareful?!
i reminded them thrice... three times.. in the notes, morning briefing before start. and another time before the game starts.
- these are call accident. how would u expect games without any injury in a whole 750freshmen.. previous bonding session had6. why i know? the previous bonding session incharged talked with me before and i asked. 6.
- instantly. i feel that my impression i had so far on her got completely shattered. all the hardworks and efforts i placed in.
- i must not sprout a word. because i know that if i do.. i will end up like the past me.. i used to voice out every single unhappiness in me.. to anyone.

so i just hold down my 15% anger and 85% dissapointment.
after shes gone after some short reprimanding, i asked the girl with concern..
'hey are you okay? how did you fall?'
girl ' i accidentally fell down the drain'
me 'drain? you mean the corner of the hall? during which game?'
girl 'ah nonono.. is the drain outside'
me 'oh.. right. so not during the bonding session in the hall?'
girl 'yeh. not in during the game.. while i was coming to the hall'

brilliant.. so i just got my face slapped without a real reason.
perfect

after awhile. miss jessy came back to check on us again. i approached her.
wanted to clear my name. but then i couldnt do it..
why? nah forget it.. she fell coming to this bonding session. so lets avoid troubles.
then miss jessy ask 'so how. did you remind those game masters about game safety?'

me 'yes yes.. all done i reminded them again already. this wouldnt happen again. sorry about that.'

omfg what did i just said.. did i just took the blame? right nvm.
small thing. but to me.
i am those kind of person, who remember every single praises or negative remarks given to me.. no matter how small are they..

great. now having break, everyone is gone! the hall is all mine!
finally got time to feel the silence around me.
its been a long time since i type such a long post..

for the next session, so far so good. kinda prepared already.. hmm
now left th


wooo looks like my blog is being discovered by someone l0ls. shit kena caught.