Finally get to serve ns soon, well in fact it's just 12hours away. Many mixed feelings which I've never had before. With no one to talk to, I've decided to type this long post to organise my emotions while spending my time travelling.

I don't know why, probably I'm going through too much during a short period of time, or because of past experiences and memories in this relationship + this ns thing coming so soon which kinda make me easily agitated and emotional lately.

Right let's start.

Well since young, I've been looking forward to doing national service. Of course not because of the fact that I love this country or want to 'protect' my loved ones or what (those are too cheesy), although I must admit I kinda love singapore even though I'm theoretically a malaysian -.-. Well the point is, I used to look forward to serving because I was always crazy over tough trainings. That sounds like I'm trying to show off, but no, I really used to love the shag feeling after a whole day of training, sweating and aching.  The feeling of accomplishing something, it makes you feel somewhat special, really. Ehh to top off, I used to look forward to be botak. And ns is like a milestone to adulthood, well most kids like to grow up faster, which explained why I used to look forward to ns lol.

Well now, I don't look forward to ns as much anymore due to many many reasons. For starters. It's been like half a decade since the years I spent literally 50% oh my daytime just training, running, running and running and running. Oh hell! I was so Damn freaking good at it, yes I am bragging. Even after half a decade, I'm still pretty awesome in sprinting.
Buuut, I'm just not so much into training my ass off day and night anymore, yes once in a while i still feel good wearing my body up. But everyday? Nah I'm too old for that shit.
Like the fact that I've promised myself to get back my fitness before entering army, like running and pull ups(which I used to do 23) since I was studying for my final semester examinations half a year ago. Guess what? I procrastinated until today, 4 days before entering and I haven train one bit! I attempted pull up a few days back and I can only do like 5?! Don't know if it's just natural that I lose interest in exercising after I past that 'energetic' children stage, or I just got plain lazy after 3 years without cca in poly -.=

So yeah that was one reason.

Another reason is kind of linked to the first one.Well like iI said, I used to excel in almost all kinds of sports. Anything which can makes people sweat, the point is, after half a decade without training, my fitness deteriorated obviously. I don't own like I used to in the past. I used to think I'm those sort of person where you throw me anywhere with any group, I'll emerge as the cream of the crops.
Well because of this, of my history, I'm sort of well how to say. Egoistic? I hate losing. I only want to win.. But now I can't even bring my lazy Ass to train anymore. And I see everyone around me training so deciphered. I really admire them.. Yeah so that's it I just don't like the fact that I'll probably go inside and embarrass myself even thought I skipped the first 2 month of training Cuz I got gold in nafpa somehow.. When I go in, everyone will probably own my pathetic Ass.

Also I heard that most of the recruits after their bmt eventually land up being in infantry. Like 50% of what. Well no offence, I don't look down on those people in infantry. But that's definitely not the place I want to go.. I'm those kinda person who wants to be better than others. So foot soldier being the worst category definitely doesn't appeal to me :/
I am aiming for scs currently since as a malaysian it's impossible to get into ocs (as what my Bro said) so the second best In my opinion is scs.. But then again. I heard that it depends on your social interaction with your platoon mates. And they get to vote too! Sigh.. I'm not good at socialising at all. To be honest I think I have some social anxiety.. Each time I talk to a new person or what, even though I sounds calm and smile, I am always shaking. I tried to hide it but really.. My hands will shake.. So I'm probably not going to make many friends aa compared to others which is one thing I'm afraid off. Not just that it affects my post after bmt, it also affects my life in bmt, having no friends.. Of Cuz I'm going to try and make some friends, hopefully can. :/

Next is probably abit personal. Well since no people actually read blog already, I'm essentially talking to myself so I'm just going ahead. I'm sort of afraid of cold water bathe, and going to toilet in the night...
PUSSSYYYY.......!!
Hell that's what I would tell anyone who they'll  this! Yeah mm.. Who can I tell? It's just embarrassing. And what's more embarrassing is, I still have a slight tendency to pee in bed. Fucking yeah.. The last time in did that was like a year ago? When I was freaking 19.well it happens when I go to bed with a full bladder or after heavy hydration. I seriously cannot help it. I don't even know if I should see a doctor or what. Is this a fucking disease?? I've been searching online but I haven't found anyone with similar case with  me .. Just imagine the scene when my whole bunk found out that I wet my fucking bed lol.. Can't even think of it without being afraid.. Geez..

Next one also kinda self esteem problem. Hm the fact that I'm underweight.? I'm so skinny that sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, I would be disgusted. It's not like in don't eat. I eat so much more than anyone I've ever met. Try comparing my meals with yours. Weigh my food intake vs yours. You'll be surprised. I just don't know where all my food has went.. And this sucks. I just hate it when everyone was like saying 'omg you so skinny' 'eat more leh''Wah can see your bone sia' 'do you even lift Bro?'
YEA BRO I FUCKING LIFTED. I've been working out for spending so much money of food and milks and eggs and beef and all high protein food. I keep eating and training for half a year. What have I gained? Nothing?! Well I did increase in the weight I lift but no, my muscle just won't increase. What can I do?? Eat proteininject steroids?
But the friends I've been with long enough know and understand and they tried not to comment. But sometimes when I see them comparing muscle, doing arm wresting(which they always loved) I just kept quiet and do stuffs like I don't care or not interested. Hell no!I felt so hhumiliated. Of Cuz I know not their fault. But man I also want to get into the arena and flex some muscle. But what do I have? Pile of bones. When people strip off they can do it proudly I am just afraid that people will find my bones protrusion disgusting and again comment. That's why usually when I go sent oso or what, I just wear a white top and acted like I hate don't wanna get sun burned. Damn I also want to just strip off and enjoy myself.
Well in ns I'll probably gotta strip and bathe or what infront of many people. Throw face sia. Bet they'll make lots of comments too. Just because they have luckier body.
I've seen many people who don't train, they stillhave some chest and arm ddiameter. Me? Lift so long still like a slice of tomato on each chest. Other without train still have Atleast like 5cm think chest. Those who train probably got half a melon's size...
Yes I am jealous. People always say no meat don't look like a guy and stuff. Damn hurting actually. Put an average guy infront of me I can probably bash him to the ground. I really think I could. Whatever..

Sigh finished talking about surface problems. Now more worrying things are actually a bit lame if I tell them to anyone. How would they understand? It's sort of related to my relationship now. Hmm if I told people that we dated for close to 2 years, well a year and 3 quarter nearly. They'll probably think Whoa that's quite a long duration. You go in no problem one la, should be stable already ma. Lol what do they know. About the histories and memories I've had? They'll never be erased and can't be forgotten no matter how hard I tried.

Have been going through many ups and downs which I believe all relationship should have. Hmmm but I honestly don't think anyone's down is more 'down' than mine. Many of the top 'not to do' have been done to me. Well now even though she sort of felt guilty and didn't want to talk about it anymore, the broken and tainted trust is there to stay. A crumpled paper will never be the same again.

I don't know if I'm expecting too much from her or what. But one thing I know for sure is that, she's the kind who never gives more than
takes. I have couple of friends enlisting this week too, all their girlfriends have Atleast done something or Atleast accompany them to the pier. Well in my case, nothing. If I told anyone I don't care whether she sending me off or not, I'm definitely lying. Even though it's really no much of a deal, I think it still counts. Small actions like this show how much one really cares. She just used the excuse that she got lesson blah blah blah and I got blamed instead for not being understanding enough. But she has already pon lesson once already in the firsteweek of school. She just told me 'Nvm la, got video on blackboard anyway. I saw the video myself, it was really well taken and clear. So now I question why she can't pon tmr lesson and come? She replied nothing at first and then just say don't want pon too much lessons and have the videos piling up.. Whoa so I don't even worth an hour of her time...

A few more things also made me unhappy. After her camp, which apparently she made so many friends, that I sort of became insignificant and sometimes even invisible to her. Hell after her first camp on my birthday she took 10+ hours to remember there's just a person as Jh. Lol say I petty or what say I not understanding or whatever, fact is that I was seriously forgotten. The days following her camp, she just spend most of the time with her og people new friends and stuffs. Before camp say we shall go chalet and short trip and all, after camp no time for this no money for that. Yet still got money to go uss with her friends. Though last minute did not go as plan canceled, point is she can spend it on them but not with me? This is called double standard..

After her second camp, and a chalet with her new friends, things got worst. I remember last time she flare up because a girl (my 7 years friend) was holding my shoulder and took a picture which went onto Facebook. Lol that was when we weren't even official yet. Guess what during camp she went to hug so many guys and took close photos with them and I'm not allowed to question them? Each time I speak of it, she'll flare up and say big deal with that and ask me to spot brining up the past.. Always lose. she even got bolder and went to drink with 5guys behind my back and still went to a guy's house what the fuck. Just half a year ago after a huge incident she promised to tell me everything?! My foot, lied to me everytime. Everytime I find things out myself. I really dunno still got how many things I don't know really.
Apparently after this most recent hall camp, she got really close with a guy buddy, rumour them together some more by their own og people. Seriously how the fuck am I suppose tobe calm. When iI go in ns going places affairs again?  Peeped at their chat, apparently she lied to me again saying having dinner with a bunch of hall people. Turn out just 2 guys. Caught her red handed still can claim the hall people went back halfway. Only just now I realise she lied.

I overreact? Maybe. But have she ever thought that if she don't lie to me so much, will I still overreact? + the past experience and memory, how on earth am I supposed to not be suspicious?

These few days I've been going to *in her. And yet I have to avoid the sight of her hall friends. Lol? We decided to go jp at first, then we have to change our plan Cuz her friends are at at jp too. And I have to +ide myself in the mrt stationto avoid them from seeing me. Really?? She claimed tthat her hall mates know she's attached. Lol I'm being doubtful. Who knows Scarly she tell them she single and flirt around the new guy too much that's why they always tease her and that other dude being together... So I have to conceal myself as to not spoil the relationship of him and that othe4 guy lol..
Just now when I was in her hostel, she receive a message that her friend is coming to visit her, she immediately ask me to leave and go out by the other side LOL. when in realised I forgot to take my earpiece and asked her to come out past me say go toilet or something. She blamed me for putting her in a difficult spot??? I seriously don't understand. How awkward is that as she claimed? Can't she just like' hey, this is my bf, he's visiting me before his enlistment tmr' and 'hey these are my hall mates' how awkward is that wtf..
Lol and I just found out that Apparently they've been having lunch 1 to 1 lately lol. She told /e that, she's don't like it but I just acknowledge Cuz I'm trying to encourage her not to lie.

Say I jealous or what. Maybe I am. So what I have the complete right to feel this way. Being the onvis8ble bf. Lol. Actually for now I s5ill font think this new guy is going to hit on her yet. But I got a feeling so9n if they continue being this close and plus the fact that she is those kind who dunno the line... I'm confident ifhe made the first move, she will take uup the bait. And history repeats.

And now in awhile I'll be gone for a month. Cannot come out. Doubt she'll eve miss me half bit. I really fear the result when I finish my but. Heard that 9/10 couples cannot survive through ns. I now understand why...