Almost two years since we started dating,
one and a half year of official relationship,
Ended just like that 3 days ago
Wanted to type it all out that night but was too affected by it. I'm afraid that my gate would open once again.
Past few days were busy and fun. I spent most of my time wisely, bonding with old and new friends.. Didn't really had the chance to sit down and think about my past, present, and future regarding this relationship.
I'm a person who like to do reflection on things which matters to me, even everything is over. It kinda makes me feel better in a long run.
I shall start from the past.
First day in Singapore Polytechnic as a freshmen during the orientation week, sitting in the auditorium listening to whoever giving a speech, is when i noticed her. Sitting 1 seat away from me, in between JL and Jarrel. Short hair with bronze highlights, without glasses, in white top and blue shorts and slipper (WTF how the fuck did i remember. I'm even surprised myself rofl). Looking just like an average girl but i'm sure her smile captivated me right then.
Without knowing when it started, we started hanging out in a group of 5, then sometimes 4, 3, and eventually just the 2 of us. Chilling outside till 2+ am under random void decks. Back then we didn't really share much things about ourselves, no typical couple conversations or couple actions. But i know we just enjoyed each others company, and we started hanging out almost everyday after school at places like chinese garden, jurong point and sometimes at my place.
Maybe because we don't speak our thoughts out back then or what + the fact than i was still too egoistic to apologies. Misunderstandings happened and no one initiate to fix it. I thought she was into other guy, she thought i was not interested in her anymore and we stopped contacting each other. It was sort of sad, but not yet painful as we only dated for awhile. She went on with her life, and i continued with mine, for the next one and a half year.. During this phase, i had a crush on other girl for awhile and she was attached to another guy. However deep in, i still missed her.
Eventually our paths met again one day after year 2 semester 2 MST. The old gang we used to hang out during year 1 decided to go LAN again. Of course she was invited and she came, she happened to sit beside me and we talked a bit, like strangers getting to know each other. We exchanged a few messages after the LAN and eventually i asked her out for shopping. From then, we started hanging out again and i'm sure she and i felt the same thing. The buried feelings started to surface and we gradually progressed. At then i really thought she was single, but apparently she was not. Here comes our 2nd hurdle. This case was left dangling for about a month when she finally made the move and chose me. I felt guilty yet glad.
We finally went official on 1st April after dating for close to half a year. As we get to know more about each other, i realised she is'in the same person i used to know in year 1 anymore. I know what type of person she is and i know that if she doesn't change, this relationship wouldn't last. I didn't told anyone or even her, but i just told myself that i shall accept her. Because somehow, i still love her. At first, i find the time we spent together is excessive and unhealthy, but eventually i started to enjoy all the minutes i spend with her. We ate together, studied together, did all sorts of things in school together and went for a short trip to Genting after year 2. We do have quarrels now and then but overall, the feeling was amazing.
Soon, our 'honey moon' period came to an end and more problems arise. One of a photographer she contacted many months ago suddenly decided to appear and wants to have a photoshoot. I shall not go into details how things progressed, but well, it's definitely not nice. Eventually he flew to Canada for studies at the end of 2012, leaving me and her at a lost. I was right. She's not for me. i knew that from the start. This incident is too good of an example. Back then i already wanted to break up but she insisted not and claimed that she'll change. I was doubtful. Because it's not a habit she need to change. It is her personality.
I decided to persist on and tried to get over that incident. Without a doubt, the 'trust' factor is the hardest thing to get over. Then things carried on for another half a year smoothly. However i knew that problem like this will arise again when she meets new people and friends. Where and when would the problem comes? Answer is University.
The few weeks before her Uni life begins, she attended couple of camps. Made hell lot of new friends, to a point that i was literally forgotten. She began spending way too much time with her new friends, taking pictures and doing things that a girl/guy who is attached and in a right mind would not do. Going bars, clubs and stuffs. She completely changed, i felt neglected and forgotten, which is the case and she agreed herself. Eventually i was enlisted into army and she started her first week in uni, living in hall. She made an effort to travel to pasir ris to send me in, which i was really elated and really appreciate it, but still knew that our relationship will come to an end while i'm inside.
She apparently joined Pageant, Dance, and cheer leading. All of which i'm not fond of. She enjoyed it though, she's the kind whom like attention and appraisals. I understand that, so i didn't stop her. Not like if i did she'll stop anyway lol.
2weeks into BMT, still in my confinement. she slowly forgot me, not replying to my texts for days and stuffs. and when she finally reply after days where i text her again, she admit she forgot. Things got worst. She started posting photos that annoyed me. Close face to face or close contact photos with some other guys. She always knew i don't like it but she still decided to do it, + upload them for the whole world to see. i told her i don't like it but all i got was 'i'm not being understanding'. Yes i know you like attentions but is that the way you do things while you are not single?? My first book out after 3weeks, i really expected her to reserve a day to meet me. Well wait long long..
Over my next few weeks in BMT, we had many quarrels and me suggesting to break up. The first time was when i travel 2 hours from pasir ris to find her.. i suggested calmly and pointed out all the problems we're facing, what could or couldnt't be done. But she just stood here, tears rolling down her cheeks 'don't know, don't want' was her reply. I myself was affected by the sight and decided to give her more time to think about it..
The second time we met was 2 weeks before i POP. i went to her hostel, brought her dinner, we chat and i stayed over. I brought up the topic and we talked a bit. i believe she hasn't done anything which betray me. But that's not the problem anymore, this is more of commitment issue. We've move way past the honeymoon period. relationship at this phase is about commitment, and responsibility. It's not something you can put aside and simply forgot when you're busy with new friends or new CCAs. Busy and adapting is not an excuse anymore. It's something that should be part of you whatever you do and everywhere you go. take responsibility in your actions, especially with other guys. Anyway she said she'll try and change and wanted more time. So then i spent the night there, we had fun and she told me she wants to come for my passing out parade, and even agreed to go for a short trip during my 5days block leave to bintan/batam.
And then i book in. Same thing, i was forgotten. It's not like i need her to keep texting me. I not those guys. But i think the minimal you can do even if you're as busy as you sound, is a phone call of a min every few days? or maybe one text? at least letting me know that i'm not forgotten and that i'm actually still your bf. I believe if you still have the time to shit, bathe, eat, go JP with your friends, you will have time to send me one.. just one damn text right? But no. Nothing. Forgotten. Yet again.
I didn't really bother to give a fuck anymore already also. i just book out and asked her 'wanna meet'? she said she's busy with her examination preparation. So well, benefits of doubt. nvm. Her paper ended on thursday. My POP was on Saturday 7am. After her last paper, she went out, went many places, had fun and stuffs. Not even on text to her then-still-bf.
And nope. She did not turn up for my parade. But guess what? my friends, even female friends who i so seldom talked to them turned up in the middle of their examination week. 2 of my non-blood-related bros specially made the day free for me. My parents who could've earned $500+ on saturday took leave. My blood-related brother who's now madly in love with his gf kept his saturday off came down too. All took the effort of waking up at 4+5am in the dawn, cab/took mrt down to marina platform, squeezed with the crowd, sitting under the morning sun just to see me for like even less than 5minutes. which i am really sorry for and cannot help it.
Yes POP is nothing much, so what it's once in a life time. I don't see much importance about the POP anyway. But one thing matters. The thought. The small actions like this showed me how much each individual actually cares. and at the same time, how much each individual doesn't.
Anyway, after her last paper on thursday, after my pop on saturday, all the way she did not bother to contact me. All i see was her on instagram and FB, dressing up, going out to meet guys, having fun with her life. So then i finally contacted her on tuesday evening. and met for a short while on Wednesday evening. That was our last meeting. Last contact. Last date.
She wore my favourite white off shoulder top, and a red skirt. She just looked beautiful. We went to our usual steak house chain, had our usual ribeye. Eventually i sent her back to her hall, and we sat at the bus stop for a few minutes. We just sat there, little words, just crying. 2 years of relationship just gone. like this...
